One of my biggest pet peeves growing up was whenever my mom would say, "It's just not meant to be!" This sentence usually came after I wanted something and it either wasn't there or too expensive or something. It drove me nuts. NUTS, I tell you. This is a fact that I have shared before. And the one example I always use involves a certain journal from Barnes and Noble.

I believe I was either a freshman or sophomore in high school - I would venture to say maybe even younger. I had a thing for journals; I was always buying new ones. I would write in them for maybe a month and then forget about them until the next one was found. Well. On this particular occasion, Mom and I were in the Bangor mall (probably down for tournament) and of course we stopped at B.Dalton. While checking out the journals, as was my custom, I spotted the coolest journal I had ever seen. It had a hemp cover and the paper was the thick, rough-edged kind. I immediately fell in love and begged my mother to buy it for me. She declined for whatever reason, saying if it was there when we came back then she would buy it. Needless to say, on our return to the Bangor mall, the journal was gone. Disappointed, I turned to my mother who very smugly told me, "I guess it's just not meant to be!" I most likely ground my teeth and rolled my eyes. I carried on with my life, half-heartedly searching the shelves of Barnes and Noble/B.Dalton ever since, always citing the journal incident as an example of my annoyance with Mom and Fate.

I am now a senior in college. Today I stopped at Barnes and Noble on the way back from my counseling internship with the intent of buying a planner. I desperately need one to keep track of the craziness my life has become - from clients to work to everything else....I need a planner. There I was - scanning the shelves for a fun-looking planner, completely focused on the task at hand. My eyes ran over the "recycled" section, where all the "green" journals and sketchbooks are kept. And then I saw it. Sitting on the third shelf down, right in the center, was the hemp-covered journal. However many years later, I recognized it instantly. It was as if a light from heaven was shining down upon it, like the Holy Grail of journals. Filled with stunned disbelief, my numb fingers fumbled for the journal, marveling at the rough hemp cover and the blissfully thick organic pages. It was here, in my hands, after all these years. I immediately called my mom to tell her.

Now, this may seem stupid to you, the reader. It kind of is stupid. It's just a journal, after all. I don't even know what I'm going to do with it, really. I'm past my journal phase (I can't even keep up with this electronic one). But it's the symbolism of the journal, the principle of the matter at this point. Finding it today was like a message from God - if it's meant to be, then it will happen. God is faithful. It's small and it's stupid, but God is in the details, my friends. Never again will I be annoyed when my mother says, "I guess it's just not meant to be!" or, "If it's meant to be, then it'll be there/happen!" (Well, I probably will. But I'll try not to.) This journal will now serve as a reminder for me. I need to not stress out so much over things like my future and working everything out exactly how I think it should go - if it's meant to be, it will happen. There's no need to worry about it. Again, God is faithful.

I wrote important words on the very first page, words to aid in the reminding. Lyrics from Dame. Simple truth. Again, this is small and it's stupid but it's meaningful nonetheless.

i have been completely absent lately. i apologize. i'm not really going to write anything right now either (eesh, i suck) but here is a little fun tidbit (also, my backspace key keeps falling off and i'm about to kick it, which would be hard cause it's small)

Today, I took a test in science class. One of the questions was "What is arguably the most dangerous element?" I said the element of surprise. I got extra credit. MLIA.








love it.

i spent the weekend in new jersey at my friend sarahharris's house. here are some of the quotes/highlights of the weekend:

"We've reached the Congo!"

"Damn, I didn't realize Africa was so bumpy!"

"He's such a cute little guy!"

"Yours are bigger."

"She's a feisty one!" (about me)

Womanizer. Love Game.

Moose mating call.

it was a really great weekend, to say the least. i miss sarah already. she's leaving for vermont in a couple weeks for a job there. i will miss her! i was introduced to her amazing group of friends this weekend (well, some of them) and i wish i could hang out with them every weekend. good, fun people. i needed this weekend. and i left with a ton of good music, which is always nice.

i'm struggling to figure out the next step. and maybe i shouldn't be trying. maybe i should be "praying about it" and "looking for the Lord's leading." those nebulous things that we say and i'm not really sure what they mean. or what they look like, rather. i know where my heart's desire is, but i need other plans in case that doesn't pan out.

i want to intern with to write love on her arms. i feel like i was made for this. my story, my random experiences, it's all for a reason, and i think this is it. i know it's something i'm passionate about, something i want very, very badly. i don't know how plausible it is. how "qualified" i actually am. they've beefed up the application a bit and it has me feeling nervous. but i think i have to apply.

but when? do i apply for grad school here and hope that i can continue my job after graduation? that would give me more graphic design experience. and free grad school. i don't know if that's actually a possibility, however. if i do that, i don't know when i'd be able to do twloha. summer, maybe? something new in the info is that the internship is competetive and applicants are preferred to have two years of college experience or professional technical experience. i'm not sure what that means....... but it makes me nervous. so do i stay here for a while longer and get more experience in...whatever?

or do i just go for it? apply for both. grad school and the internship. if i make the internship, i put off grad school. if i don't, then i focus on school. i guess that wouldn't hurt....

gaah i hate this. i've been waiting for two years for some direction, for a clue on what the next step will be. two years. it's coming down to the last minute, to the wire. i need to start walking in some direction. i hate that i keep thinking of things to do, keep saying "this is my next step" and then changing it a week later.

just a hint? please?

there's also a new question for the video application: what is the hardest thing someone has told you out of love?

i have no idea.

my foot now says - there is always a song. it's like saying there is hope. sing for the joy to come. and it will come.

waiting for....something. anything.